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The hopeless romantic

Selasa, 23 September 2025

Postingan blog kali ini akan tidak terstruktur, serampangan dan terlalu klise sebagaimana ketika kamu sedang jatuh cinta.

Hey, aku tidak bilang kalau penulisnya sedang jatuh cinta ya. Hanya saja, penulisnya memang mendambakan konsep jatuh cinta. Tapi ketika disuruh jatuh cinta, ia kabur. Sering terjadi.


Mungkin ini akan jadi dongeng di masa depan. Lihat bagaimana semangatnya hanya dalam waktu kurang dari satu bulan, ia sudah menulis lagi. Topiknya masih sama, soal ia tidak mau jatuh cinta karena tidak yakin akan tinggal di negara ini terlalu lama. Lucunya, ia malah menemukan sosok ideal secara konsep pikiran itu dalam bilik suara. 

Butuh waktu 190 menit untuk merasa setengah yakin kalau suara diseberang sana adalah sebagian dirinya yang hilang. Sayangnya, lagi-lagi ia merasa kalah dari ketakutan dan rasa naif. Ia ingin segera kenal, disatu sisi ia tidak ingin kenal terlalu dalam. Karena sudah pasti, ini adalah gerbang terakhirnya. Yang mana bila runtuh, habislah sudah rasa cinta pada pasangan seperti di film-film itu. 

Ketakutan namun juga penasaran, ia menjelma jadi sebuah narasi fiksi yang penuh plot twist dan sad ending. Pun beberapa diantaranya ia sengaja membuat alternatif dengan akhir yang menyenangkan. Bentuk rupa yang tidak ia kenal, tinggi, dan ciri fisik lainnya tidak ia ketahui. Yang kepalanya rekam hanya bagaimana suara itu menenangkan kuping dan perasaannya selama tiga jam dalam demam semalam.

Tapi kisahnya belum akan usai, mungkin tahun depan ia akan membuat ini selesai dengan menulis ending yang jelas. Tapi ia perlu tahu dulu, apakah dirinya dan seseorang dibalik suara malam itu masih ingat soal tanggal keramatnya? 

Sebuah konsep drama komedi yang ia tulis apakah lebih banyak humor, atau horor? Kita tidak tahu. Aku pun ikut penasaran dengan kisahnya.

I do not let my self fall in love. Not yet.

Selasa, 09 September 2025

Everyone gathers at one table, eating their food and talking about their love lives. It feels like a scene from a Metropop novel until they turn to me. My love life is a mess, my brain said that but my lips keep silent. I don’t want to share that either so I try to slide the topic elsewhere, and luckily, the break time ends. 

But deep down, on the train ride home, I ask myself: when will I actually allow myself to turn off survival mode and start planting love again? Until now, I still don’t have the answer. Maybe it’s when I’ve checked off everything in my wishlist book? Or maybe… when someone chooses to love me unconditionally. 

But the truth is, I can't love unconditionally either. I want a love that’s mutually beneficial- for both of us, in this world and the next. It might sound boring or too religious, but I grew up with this kind of idealism. So here I am. 

See? 

Do you see? 

I can’t love someone without mirroring myself, asking what I’ll gain and what he’ll gain if we’re in a relationship. People say love isn’t supposed to be like that. But for me, I need to measure it. No one seems to understand. Or maybe they do, like NIKI said: “You tell me I’m nice, but I know I’m only a hostel” and they're leave.

To be honest, it feels like a fairy tale to have someone you can truly lean on. And as a grown woman, fairy tales are something we hate cause they only sell a dream we can’t really buy. Something “fairy” is both scary and beautiful.

In this capitalist world, can we really find pure love?

I’d say we can’t. But it’s okay if you want to hold on to that ambition of finding pure love. As for me, I’ve had enough of love stories. I just want someone who respects me, shares the same vision, and grows together. But not today. I’m still in survival mode. 

Maybe it’s also because I plan to leave this country, and it would be sad to fall in love now. I don’t want to be separated from a partner (if I had one) that’s why I don’t allow myself to fall or search for my half deen.

I believe when everything aligns with Allah’s plan, we’ll meet under better circumstances.

Maybe in my late 20s, or early 30s, who knows? I’ll keep fighting for myself, so my half deen will do the same, right?

Balance in Disguise

Kamis, 04 September 2025

Always go odd, but today feels even. Yep, you read that right. Only for today, I choose even numbers. Usually 1 or 3 or 9 or 7, but today is 4. Well, I don’t know why my mom gave birth to me on an even day, but in an odd month and year. I fear I might just be a “balance” person in life, lol.

Honestly, I don’t have much energy to write, since my country’s been messed up since August. Sigh. I’m so tired today too. I haven’t had proper sleep for a week straight, overthinking my country might collapse overnight while I’m away.

Oh, by the way, another major life change again: I’m finally opening myself up to the corporate life game yuhuu?! I already won the startup game lol, so yeah, new challenge at 28, corporate life. It doesn’t sit right when you hear it, right? But well, God is good and gave me a chance. Maybe I need to learn how B2B runs and how to make system copies for the business I’ll run someday? Nah, nan mola.

Today I’m just yapping. No thoughts, head empty. So many birthdays today—so HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my fellow Virgo gang all around the world!! LET’S GO HEAL THE WORLD, MAKE IT A BETTER PLACE FOR YOU AND FOR ME AND THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE~


peace lof en gawl