Everyone gathers at one table, eating their food and talking about their love lives. It feels like a scene from a Metropop novel until they turn to me. My love life is a mess, my brain said that but my lips keep silent. I don’t want to share that either so I try to slide the topic elsewhere, and luckily, the break time ends.
But deep down, on the train ride home, I ask myself: when will I actually allow myself to turn off survival mode and start planting love again? Until now, I still don’t have the answer. Maybe it’s when I’ve checked off everything in my wishlist book? Or maybe… when someone chooses to love me unconditionally.
But the truth is, I can't love unconditionally either. I want a love that’s mutually beneficial- for both of us, in this world and the next. It might sound boring or too religious, but I grew up with this kind of idealism. So here I am.
See?
Do you see?
I can’t love someone without mirroring myself, asking what I’ll gain and what he’ll gain if we’re in a relationship. People say love isn’t supposed to be like that. But for me, I need to measure it. No one seems to understand. Or maybe they do, like NIKI said: “You tell me I’m nice, but I know I’m only a hostel” and they're leave.
To be honest, it feels like a fairy tale to have someone you can truly lean on. And as a grown woman, fairy tales are something we hate cause they only sell a dream we can’t really buy. Something “fairy” is both scary and beautiful.
In this capitalist world, can we really find pure love?
I’d say we can’t. But it’s okay if you want to hold on to that ambition of finding pure love. As for me, I’ve had enough of love stories. I just want someone who respects me, shares the same vision, and grows together. But not today. I’m still in survival mode.
Maybe it’s also because I plan to leave this country, and it would be sad to fall in love now. I don’t want to be separated from a partner (if I had one) that’s why I don’t allow myself to fall or search for my half deen.
I believe when everything aligns with Allah’s plan, we’ll meet under better circumstances.
Maybe in my late 20s, or early 30s, who knows? I’ll keep fighting for myself, so my half deen will do the same, right?
